*Note: This has been a difficult post to write... not in the sense of "I don't know what to write" but more of the "I don't fully know how to express what I want to say, so this may be a little weird to read and follow and I apologize in advance" sense. It is a difficult topic, yes, but not one that I have not had many years to think on, ruminate, yell, scream, and become accustomed to it. See, right there - I don't think becoming accustomed to it is the right way to word it, but words fail me right now, so there it is. And that's how this post follows... I do apologize in advance and as I read, re-read, re-re-read (and so on and so forth) each post multiple times before I publish them, what follows is my best effort at getting this out - for right now, anyway. I have a sneaky suspicion that this topic will probably crop up again in another post in the future, but for today, it is what it is...
Today I was on PUGStyle, checking out the forums, the blog posts, and generally catching up on what's new in the pinup world since I've started my new job... I had been late in getting out a thanks to one of the girls on her delivery of Wanting Vixen hair accessories that I received last week, and needed to check in with another very dear friend. I find that it is a happy place for me to go to... Unlike FB, we are all women who have very similar tastes, but very different expressions of our tastes in clothing, hair, and life - all in all, a place where I can feel very at home being myself. That is not to say that I do not or cannot do the same on my personal FB page, but at the same time, I do not and cannot express all of myself there. The punchline here would be that the world is not ready for the likes of me, but in reality, there are certain people we are all "friends" with that we cannot tell everything to, nor would we want to. Family members we do not want to tell everything to for fear of judgement, criticism, or the like. Former co-workers we have not deleted as friends because we don't want to hurt their feelings (no, Ethel and Purple, you are not them...). Not everyone that I know, and especially not everyone that I know on FB knows that I write this blog. With those who do know, I feel very safe in writing what I do, even when it is not the most comfortable topic on the planet to talk about (aka, Ok Cupid... oy, dating - not a fun topic to talk about!) or when it is deeply personal. Those of you who do not know me, or found this blog by total randomness, I don't necessarily worry about because you DON'T know me personally - you are complete strangers hidden behind a computer screen that gives a sense of anonymity and security. Anyhow, back to PUGStyle... us girls can often post something that seems to hit a nerve with a large group having the same issue. Mainly on PUGStyle, it is in reference to being accepted for who we are, what we like, and how we express ourselves, as well a self-acceptance. It is a very body-/style-/personal-positive place and a very safe one for a lot of women who do not have such a place. It has also become a place where those of us who are older can try to encourage, instill, create, foster and grow the younger generation of women who may not have the tools yet to be the outstanding people that they are.
I digress, as always, but that's why ya'll keep reading! There was one particular blog post that I read today that really seemed to strike a nerve not only with me, but with several other women. The post was about how we did not seem to receive the acceptance/love/care we needed from our mothers, either when we were younger, or still now. The writer gave the example of running into a former boss, who thought she looked ravishing, and who said so to the writer's mother. The mother replied with a very lamentable "yes, she's lovely," which the writer noted was in the same voice/intonation that she used to order her food with. The writer also noted that this was a typical response from her mother - never one with enthusiasm, pride in her daughter, love, or generousity of spirit. Up until that point, the writer was thrilled at the response she had received from her former boss; after her mum's comment, the thrill was gone. She noted further into the post that "I love you," "you're beautiful," and other such loving phrases were never used in her home growing up as a child, by either of her parents. At that point, I felt the kindred spirit of another girl in England who lived my childhood. And in reading the comments posted below the blog, I was not the only one... I had kindred spirits living all over the US and other foreign countries. And it was a lamentation that I had heard many times before - before PUGStyle, before moving back to LA, before... lots of times before. The additional lamentation was this: many of us women were actually the caretakers - the parents, if you will - of our parents, but particularly of our mothers. And many many of us have had (or continue to have) rocky relationships with our mothers because of this. Why is it that this relationship - the one between mother and daughter, particularly - seems to be so difficult for so many women, when this is one of the most important relationships that a girl can have in her life? Why do so many of us have to look elsewhere for the example of what to do, how to be, how to grow, live, love, laugh, because our mothers cannot or will not teach us these things? And with this in mind, is it any wonder why some of the younger girls who are becoming mothers at too young an age are cycling the same type of relationship with their daughters?
I started this post on September 1... and today, I am finally resigning myself to the notion that I cannot add anymore to it, and (almost 2 months later) I am posting as I left it.