Thursday, August 29, 2013

All the Different Sitches...

Yes, I know, "sitch" is not a real word, but this is my blog, so here it is. Short for "situation." I am one of those people who block their lives - there is the work, the home/family, the Three Amigas (and such adventures), the OKC dating, the Monkey, the biofam... you get the point. Usually, the sitches do not overlap - they are seemingly independent of each other, yet they are highly dependent on each other. What happens with the Monkey determines what happens with home/family, for example. I have the ability (superpower maybe?) of being able to cut off everything else when I am dealing with any one of the sitches; when I'm at work, whatever has been happening at home/family, or with the Monkey, or on OKC, is completely set aside and I work. Very rarely do I allow what has happened in one sitch determine/derail/affect what happens in another sitch. This is both good and bad; the good, I think, is obvious; the bad includes allowing things to fester in the deep recesses of my mind (increasing my anxiety level, no bueno), and also seems to give the appearance to Other People that I am a cold, noncaring person. Unfortunately for me, I care too much about things; I am just built and raised (because a lot of it comes from what you learned to do as a child) to separate things into separate sitches, and deal with what's in front of me at the time. This does not preclude me from being a control freak and sweating over things that I have no control over - this happens A LOT. In fact, this is usually the biggest source of my anxiety. Anyhow, here they are in no particular order:

The Duke Sitch
Every time I leave the house, I have to chain up Duke. As I think I have mentioned before, the chain is like a necklace that he can take off himself once I leave - it is more a training symbol for him to trigger the Auntie's leaving thing. Plus, he knows that when this happens, he gets treats. Well, Duke has decided that he is not just going to hop over the 6 1/2 foot fence when I leave the house, but now when Mom leaves (who is his Mommy). He is often over the fence and in the car, sitting like he owns it, waiting to go on a car ride, before Mom can get out of the car. Mom will occasionally take him around the block, and when he gets home, he gets out (not willingly) and goes back into the yard. Now, mind you, it takes Mom somewhere around 20 mins to get out of the car (no joke; it may be closer to 10, but whatever the actual number is, it is forever). If I am home and Mom has to leave, then I occupy Duke and keep him from hopping the fence. If I am not home, Mom chains him up, to the point where it's not tight, but keeps him chained up until someone gets home and unchains him. This drives me nuts. Like seriously nuts. But I don't have any other ideas for remedying this situation and keeping him from jumping the fence.

The Work Sitch
Let's see, Tuesday will be three weeks. And I love my job. I love that you have to be highly effective in multi-tasking to do my job (which you wouldn't think was necessary from a 7/11 clerk, but trust me, there are things going on when you're not in the store that you wouldn't believe actually get done in order for that place to run smoothly). Last night, I finally got to work in the cooler. I think Tom & Donna have been keeping me out of the cooler because Donna has tweaked her back a couple of times doing the stocking that goes on back there. I think they're worried that the same would happen to me. I LOVE IT IN THE COOLER!!! Although my OCD was in a total freak-out - it so needs to be reorganized desperately to make things run more smoothly. The reason I ended up in the cooler is because Leo, a good kid, needed a day off. He's been working who knows how many days in a row because they are short people (as have I). So it was just me and Donna last night, and with the kids coming in from the high school (literally a block away and on the way home for MANY of them), our Gatorade, Arizonas, water, and the like were completely bare. And since I work the swing shift, it needed to be refilled before they hit us again in the morning. It took me a good couple of hours (with stuff going on in between) to fill just those sections. I left the beer/wine for Tommy to do this morning. I did text Leo in advance to let him know I was playing in his cooler and to apologize in advance for screwing it up if I did. Leo is always complaining that he is frozen when he's in there (it has to be kept at below 38 degrees, I think, just above freezing), but I was loving it. My hands stayed warm because they were constantly moving, and I had the work jacket on, so the only part of me that was cold was my face. I stocked as much as I could based on what we had. I left the beer/wine for Tommy, since it wasn't necessary for the morning shift to have those ready (although we do sell an amazing amount of beer in the morning... In Cali, beer sales stop at 2am, and most places, start again at 6am, so anytime after 6, we start selling beer again, literally. It's interesting...). I told Donna I loved it, and it actually was good for my back because I wasn't just standing on my feet all night, but moving up and down, left to right, and working out the stiffness. So hopefully, I'll be able to do it again. One of my biggest issues at Sad was that we often had waaaaaay too much money in our drawers, and even when we called management to come pick it up and drop it, they would not. It made us sitting ducks for being robbed. And robbery had happened at both our store, and others. At work now, if I feel like I have too much money in my drawer, I can drop it anytime. Any freaking time. The sign that says "cashier does not have more than $50 in their drawer at any time" is very very true. And I cannot open the safe at all, so that sign (Clerk cannot access safe) is also very true. And this makes me feel safer. As do all of the cameras - inside and outside. This particular store has only been monetarily robbed once, where they actually went in to the inner office (because the door had been propped open to do stocking, so they took advantage of it), and it wasn't a gun in the face type of robbery, which they've (KNOCK ON EVERY PIECE OF WOOD AVAILABLE) never had. I enjoy talking to the customers (most of them, anyway... the teenagers, well, they can ... ), I like who I'm working with and who I'm working for. Work is good for the first time in a couple of years, which is so nice, and stressless. It's nice to not be anxious when getting ready for work, as well as not having to do make-up and hair every single time. I wear my hair up because I do work with food, even though it's not a requirement, but I don't do my barrels or rolls every time, and I will sometimes just do moisturizer and lipstick/gloss and that's all. And it's all good. I do, however, need to find some shoes that have a high enough wedge of a heel to keep the back pain away. I haven't found the right ones yet.

The Doctor Sitch
I have a dislocated disc between L4 and L5 (which puts it right about hip level) on my left side. This has made my left side about 2 inches longer than my right side (which is not obvious until you look at the wear and tear on my shoes; right now, I have wedge flip flops on and when I take them off, you can definitely see where I have the most weight - and therefore wear - in my shoes; they are floral patterned, and the wear is where the floral pattern has worn off and is black. They look like this:

Anyhow, this has been 10 years ongoing in October of this year. Because this was a workers comp issue (I fell while working at a Psych Inpatient Hospital by walking on a wet floor), I have had to go through the hell of going to the doctor far more often than I am happy doing. In the past 7 years or so, I have gotten it down to going every 3 months. And I see two doctors; one who does the prescription for my pain management medication, and one who I see for everything else (like genetics-caused issues, ob/gyn issues, stuff like that). Last week, I saw my pain specialist. As everything with my injury has stayed stable, those appointments are basically a quick pee in the cup and hi, how're you doing? and that's it. No big deal. This week I had my appointment with my normal nurse practitioner that I see for everything else, except she wasn't in, and my appointment was booked with her sub (I knew this ahead of time, and I didn't think it was a big deal). I have been seeing the same NP for the past 5 or so years, and she and I have gone through many many MANY different things together. Not to say that I am a sickly person, or a hypochondriac, but simply that - without insurance and me paying out of pocket for medications, as well as dealing with the intricacies of dealing with assistance programs, we have run the gamut to figure out what works, what doesn't and how to get there. She and I have also dealt with my genetics and family medical history (which runs rampant with heart disease - hypertension, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, you name it - as well as obesity) and have found what works and what doesn't, and why I cannot seem to drop below 165lbs, no matter what I do. We have finally worked out that a lot of the weight is due to the medications that I take for pain management, as well as the Pill. I walk just about every where I go, although I need to start supplementing that because my commute to work WAS 3 miles roundtrip, and now it's 5 houses one way. I do yoga because it helps with my back, but again, I have been slacking on it, so I am at 170lbs. When you look at me, you would never guess that. I've noticed in the small places that we all know to look for when we start gaining/losing weight and use as a personal gauge. The subNP that came in to see me immediately started in on a "plan that she just KNEW was going to help me lose weight and get my NUMBERS under control" (ie my cholesterol numbers). She said she could tell from last year's numbers that I don't exercise at all and that I don't eat healthy. Um, really? YOU DON'T KNOW ME BITCH. I restrained myself from saying that, but did stop her and say, I walk everywhere. Including to this appointment, which will have been a 4mile roundtrip by the time I get home. And my work commute was a 3mile roundtrip 4-5 times a week. Nevermind the time at work when I would go up and down three flights of the store multiple times a day. Nope, I never exercise. Even at my new job, I am constantly moving. CONSTANTLY MOVING. As far as eating goes, I was really good at eliminating processed foods - the creamer I use for my coffee is Nestle's all-natural creamer with no preservatives in it; I buy fruits and veggies - and if it's canned, I make sure that it's in natural juices (and if I can't, then I strain and rinse it out of the syrup it comes in); when I buy juice, it's all natural juice + water - not juice plus sugars/high fructose corn syrup/preservatives, etc. During the summer especially, I eat a lot of fruits and salads, just because it is usually so hot that I cannot stand to eat anything else. And I have gotten really good about eating breakfast as well as other small meals a day. And all of this still equaled me at 165lbs. But my numbers said otherwise, according to this NP. After she said that, I tuned her out. Especially since she was not familiar with my medication routine and would not be willing to do the refills that were needed and I was going to have to come back and see my NP anyway. And she wasn't going to order my annual labs since she wanted me to try her plan for a month to see the difference and then take my labs. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. A four mile trek and 12hour plus fasting (for the labs) for naught. Which leads me to...

The Food Sitch
Although I live with my mother and brothers, I usually buy my own food. I tend to eat healthier than anyone in my family, mainly because I want to stave off my genetics from happening this soon in my life. The rest of the family doesn't seem to have the same concern. I have a living example of what happens when genetics + not caring looks like in my mother, and it is usually enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. HOWEVER, doing this takes money. And I have learned how to live on a tight budget and still eat healthily (hello, 99Cent Store: fresh fruits and veggies!!). But with what I was making at Sad, I was screwed after paying my bills, and had to rely on my mother (mainly) for food. I was also eating out a lot with her when I was going to work with her at the laundromat or just running errands, which is a big no no. Her favorite seems to be Taco Bell lately. My eating habits have definitely gone on the slide (not enough to justify the subNP's assertions, but still, enough for me to notice the gain of 5lbs or so). At work now, we are allowed to have any of the hot foods available while on our break, while also being allowed any of the fountain drinks/Slurpees/coffee that we want. Anything else, we have to pay for. Since I don't have the money... well, I've been living on jalapeno/cream cheese taquitos (term used loosely), mozzarella sticks, and buffalo chicken rollers. Drink-wise, I've been a little bit better. I started out with the sugar-free Slurpee, then switched to 7up with cherry syrup (7up is supposed to be more natural, as is Sprite, not to mention that there is a lot less caffeine, but the cherry syrup needs to go, I know). At the end of the night, I'll switch to half decaf/half flavored coffee with creamer. And no, the creamer is not the all natural creamer I use at home. So yes, my diet habits have literally taken a dive down the not good. This week, I will actually be able to use part of my paycheck to buy MY food again - my healthy, unprocessed happy food. And I am so looking forward to it. Now, I just need to figure out how to maintain my healthy while at work; we do have healthy options (which are far more expensive than if I brought in my own lunch, which I can totally - and plan on - do(ing)), but it is more of a keeping me out of the bad things while I'm there. Drinking water has become necessary for me, because I crave it more than the other, which tells me I'm not getting enough. I also usually do a Gatorade because I tend to sweat a lot (especially behind the counter, where all of the ovens and heaters are at) even with air conditioning, and it's the fastest way to get the electrolytes back into my system (especially in this heat and muggy weather we've been having). Now it's just a matter of keeping out of the highly processed no good for you foods.

The Awesome Sitch
Awesome is a perma-kitten, like the Tard (aka Grumpy Cat). She is a black and grey tabby, with a black racing stripe down her back. She will be 2yrs old in September. Awesome was adopted from Manny, our 70yr old neighbor who started with one cat (Tommy, who ended up being a girl) that he refuses to get spayed. Monet, our older cat (she's around 16yrs old, was my sister's that she left at home when she moved out) used to live in my brother's room. All the time. Which, when he was home, was no big deal. When he started to live at work, I started letting Monet out of his room so she could have some human interaction, which she desperately craved. And then she wouldn't go back in his room and stay there, which kinda pissed him off (too damn bad, but apparently, I'm the only person who saw that there was a problem leaving her in the room by herself forever.). So, we adopted Awesome and Shazam, who were siblings. Shazam was the one who had personality and was my adoption; Awesome was quiet and was for my brother (to replace Monet). Well, Shazam decided to go out back and play with the dogs - when she was only about 4months old. Needless to say, she didn't make it. After Shazam was buried, Awesome's personality kicked in, and she decided that she too did not want to live in my brother's room (nor did he want her in it). Monet and Awesome became BFFs, which took some time. And both cats love my mother. Occasionally, they'll come to me for attention, but for the most part, they stay in my mom's room or the dining room, and the only real reason they come to me is when they want fed or treats (omg, they are so addicted to catnip treats! Give these girls catnip and they turn into whores - doing anything for the fix!! All I have to do is rattle the bag and they go apeshit crazy!! I have been trying to grow some fresh catnip, but this heat has been killing all of my efforts... I digress). Anyway, I didn't think that Awesome could get pregnant due to her perma-kitten status, but I had still planned on getting her spayed (even though she is not my cat. But, then again, Duke is not my dog, and I not only provide the food and treats for all of the animals, but will end up paying for them to be fixed properly). She got pregnant before I could (saw that coming, didn't ya?), and had 4 full-sized beautiful little kittens. Who all died before a month was out. They are buried in my garden, underneath some columbine that is taking it's sweet ass time growing. It's been about a month, and the plan to spay her was still in effect, until my hours (and therefore my pay) was cut to below that's not even on the radar right now, making sure they have food is. Now that I am finally working a job where I will have the ability to pay for her to get spayed, she's freaking pregnant AGAIN. *exasperation* I don't know why her babies died from her first litter, especially after the first week (I've grown enough kittens to know that if they make it through the first 2 weeks, 9 times out of 10, they will make it. The last one who died was 4 weeks old). Now, I'm going to have to go through this again... Ugh. We shall see what happens. And the envelope for the spay money has already been created, it's just waiting for money to go into it.

The Hands Sitch
My hands have always been a source of issue for me; I think it comes from when I waited tables as an undergrad - who wanted someone with crappy looking nails or hands serving them dinner? Anyway, it's a longstanding frustrating relationship for me. It became more so when I was working for Sad when I would put freight away and because I was constantly dealing with money. I get callouses on the fingertips, and they tend to crack. I have done acrylic nails, which seemed to be the only way my nails would grow, but I get frustrated with the fact that they don't look natural and end up taking them off, which means I have to rehabilitate my nails all over again. Then I discovered gel nails, which I LOVED. But, when we went to let my nails "breathe" after a month or so of nails (not more than 6 weeks), the products had literally eaten through half of my nail bed, which meant that my nail started halfway done and I had to regrow them out. I have tried multitudes of things to help my nails grow, including hair/nail vitamins and prenatal vitamins. All to no avail. And then I found this:

Which is AWESOME. It's a whopping $1.50 and by LA Colors, and it works. Especially if I use it. My nails not only grow, the whites are white, and the ridges I normally *think* I have are no longer there. So I have been taking it with me to my mani/pedis and only doing manis every two weeks (the off week, I will file and repolish myself, which is not usually the best, but it gets the job done). Last week, when I went in for my mani, my hands were torn up... I have to use hot water to clean all of the stuff I need to clean, plus the chemicals that we use to clean up the store... a mess they were. But I did not have my calcium polish with me (I had left it outside in the heat, which thickened it up and made it not bueno, and I didn't have time to get a new bottle before my mani). And so my mani lasted a whole day at work. And they look like sh*t again. I have decided that since I can afford it, I will go in once a week to get a mani. And I have a new bottle of Calcium treatment to take with me. I also think I will be getting a pair of moisturizing gloves (those ones you wear when you're asleep that let the moisturizer to sink into your hands?) and using those in conjunction with the vaseline that my Helen definitely recommends. Hopefully I'll be able to post a picture of my healthy, pretty hands in the next month or so (it's good to have goals, right??? And I did think about posting a before pic, but no. Not going to happen. Maybe after the mani, but definitely not right now).

Ok, I do believe I have gotten it all out of my system... At least for today. There's a few other sitches - there's always a few other sitches, but none of them are pressing and needing to drag this out any longer than it already has gone on. I'll post my interesting things I'm reading/found/etc in my next post. Speaking of, I've been thinking about doing a desilu diaries facebook page. I'm thinking that this is where I can post my interesting things (with maybe a blog round-up at the end of the month), random thoughts, etc, as well as when blog posts are posted. I know my readership is not all that great (but thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who do read!!), but this way, I will not feel bad for times when I cannot post every week, or happy to share those things that I find worth sharing/food for thought. WHAT DO YA'LL THINK??

xoxox Desilu

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Ok, Cupid, Maybe Not....

I wrote the "Ok, Cupid..." post yesterday. I was on a hot streak of writing yesterday, as it was my day off and I hadn't written in so long. And I slept a lot too, because I did not realize that I am no longer some 20-something with enviable energy, but a 36yr old who does need to rest on occasion. Anyhow, even though I did a lot of sleeping yesterday, that usually doesn't preclude me from being able to sleep at night, mainly because my Lipitor and Benedryl knock me out (the Benedryl is for my allergies, which have gone haywire lately due to this weather that we've been having, and the Lipitor is to prevent genetics from kicking in - for some unknown reason, it makes me very sleepy, which is unusual, according to my NP. But, as usual, I digress). I usually will fall asleep playing Scramble or Words With Friends or (if I'm all caught up/out of coins on those) Solitaire on my Kindle, wake up startled that I fell asleep, turn my Kindle off, roll over and go back to sleep. That is my usual routine. It is also my usual routine to get up several times a night, usually for no reason. Occasionally, I will make it in to the house, where I will consume anything sweet I can get my hands on (while still almost completely asleep), go to the bathroom, or just sit and stare into space in the living room (I've been caught doing all of the above by family... it's a problem). Needless to say, my sleep is restless, and oft more than not, unfulfilling (hence the sleeping during the day - I actually feel as though I get more rest when I sleep during the day than I do at night). Last night was the culmination of all of that PLUS anxiety that I thought I had under control, but have since been corrected (thank you, brain, body & nerves!!).

Which leads me to "Ok, Cupid, Maybe Not... ." I do think; nay, I KNOW, that a lot of the anxiety I had last night, which kept me wide awake until 3am this morning, was in revisiting the past of the ex, as well as the anxiety of the OKC venturing again. I thought I was ok with being over the ex, and that my plan for the happenstance of running into him was a solid one. I had already dropped by his profile on OKC when I first logged back on (but have not been there since; just the one time to see if he had changed anything on his profile) - I mean, don't we all? I think we all harbor some secret hope that our exes are doing poorly without us, and by dropping by their OKC profile, FB page, whatever, we are looking for that justification that yes, they are doing poorly without us. I have not gone to his FB page at all; in fact, visiting his OKC profile was the first time in the past 8 months that I had "seen" anything to do with him. And I thought I was ok. Last night, I found out I was not ok. Apparently, really not ok.

Ugh... I don't know if it was the expression of what I had been thinking in the prior post, or the anxiety of starting all over again, or a combination of both, or my hypercritical/anal retentive/unforgetting self just acting up, but whatever it was, it sucked. BIG TIME, especially since I do have to go to work today. So very tired, and yet, so not. I am a walking contradiction, which is highly annoying. I think adding to the anxiety was the lack of matches that appealed to me and the lack of effort by those who had decided to message me as well. I don't know, but I don't know if I will be keeping my profile open for much longer. I still have not completely re-written my profile yet, and I am still playing with that in my head. But I don't know if I want to do this THIS way. I was thinking about organic dating (that's apparently what it's called now when you just meet someone the old fashioned way), and how that seems less pressure-filled for me. I am planning on going out and about more, exploring LA and all she has to offer now that I have the money (or will have the money) to do so, and maybe *just maybe* I'll meet someone that way. I wouldn't mind continuing to moderating on OKC (which is a lot more boring than it sounds... are you seriously flagging a picture of the user and his kids? or of the beach? or a drink? SERIOUSLY???? Now, the flag on the fully nude chick I get, and deleted, but the others? Some people need a hobby...), but I don't know if that's possible with a deactivated profile. I think I will email the admins on OKC and see if that's a possibility (I do need another hobby like I need a hole in the head, but whatevs), and if it is, great. If not, well... when I am actually ready to go back online - if ever - I can do it then.

Speaking of OKC, it appears that MasterGeeknFun is back on OKC, actively. And I restrained myself, and simply deleted the conversation rather than stooping to his orge level and responding.

So organic dating. If I meet someone, great. If not, so be it. This is so much less stressful than trying to rack my brain and force myself to like any of the men on OKC that truly do not appeal to me, plus it keeps me from judging a book by it's cover (or based solely on their scores). This is better. This is the new plan. Steve the Drummer is still not ok, Purple. No ideas!!

xoxo Desilu

Ok, because I promised the interesting things soon, here they are:
Finetuning Anxiety: This sounds very promising, especially to those of us who deal with anxiety A LOT.
Finetuning Schizophrenia: Also very promising, especially for the development of medications that will help to moderate and calm schizophrenic symptomology.
This woman is a hero.
Amazing works of art. I'm not saying that this should be the wave of the future in preserving the past, but it provides an interesting perspective. I am still a solid black & white gal; I think there are so many more nuances to be found in a B&W photo than you can by looking at the same one in color.
I found this awesomely interesting. And I so wish I had the money to go and buy some of these...
THIS. IS. AWESOME. It truly shows there is meaning in the everyday, ordinary object.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Ok, Cupid... Do Your Thing

It has been eight months since my last relationship ended. It was a devastating break-up for me; I had fallen in love again after so many years of not being in love (which would include the time I was married; it took me a while to finally admit to myself that I had not fallen in love with my ex-husband, but had gotten married out of societal and family pressure to stabilize mine and my Monkey's lives. It was a HUGE mistake and a HUGE lesson learned; there were things that happened that cannot - and will not - be undone, but at the same time, I would not go back and undo anything. Life lived cannot be lived with regrets but instead with lessons learned - a lot of the time (for me anyway), the hard way.), and did not see it coming. He said "I love you" first, and I had taken him at his word. In the end, he said he never truly fell "all the way in love with me," whatever that means, and that I am not a happy enough person for him; that there is a constant sadness in my eyes, despite what my words and actions say. Considering I was truly in love with him and that I was happy - for the first time in years - I felt deceived and lied to. And thus needed the long time to lick my wounds.

Anyhow, last week when the Three Amigas decided to get together (that would be me, Purple, and Ethel), the topic of dating came up. Purple is happily married on her second marriage. Ethel has the dating mishaps that I have, but has been on eHarmony looking for her next relationship... with all the ups and downs that online dating has. I had met my ex on OKCupid, where our Match and Friendship percentages were in the high 80s (which actually was true; we had an insane amount in common and had very similar beliefs and values, which was a good thing). So this past weekend, I decided to venture back on to OKCupid. I thought about what I would do if I happened to run into my ex while on a date; I decided that I would actually slide the waitress/bartender a $20 to buy him and his a round of drinks, while taking my date out the door to somewhere else. And it didn't seem to bring me too much anxiety thinking about it, so I thought it may be time to Start Looking Again. The Amigas agreed, and Purple threatened to set me up with Steve the Drummer (who is a drummer in her husband's band): Steve's game includes the request for anal sex within 30 seconds of meeting a girl he's interested in. And he also likes the girls young... barely of age young. So, no, Steve the Drummer is SO NOT AN OPTION. And back to OKCupid I went. I had de-activated my account when I started dating the ex, so all I had to do was re-activate it, which took no time at all. I actually remembered my password, which was a bonus. I reviewed my profile and my pictures. I removed all but one picture that I had up (one where I am literally wrapped in a towel after a shower, so no hair/make-up - but trust me, EVERYTHING is covered, plus I was making a fishy face, not doing duck face or kissy face or sexy face... I just wanted to put out there what I looked like without the hair and makeup), and noted "Under Rehabilitation" at the beginning of my profile. I started to rewrite it, but haven't finished it (it's kinda like writing a blog post apparently; start, take a week to finish). I am having a hard time writing it... but I think I am almost at the point where I have comfortably rewritten it in my head.

So far... I've gotten nothing - substantial, that is. I had one guy who actually spent the time to craft a witty and great message. Apparently, my verbal diarrhea response was a little much, as was the reminder that I was a smoker and a quiet person. He is allergic to cigarette smoke. Ok, I wish you well and good luck. Mostly, I've gotten "Hey there!" (um, really, that's ALL you can say??), "Hi!" (um, no), and amazingly, "Are those NATURAL?" (there is not one picture where I am indecently dressed, nor does it look like I have a large chest; two of the pictures I posted were from dinners with a dear friend, where I am in vintage/repro dresses; the last picture - besides the shower one - was after I had walked to the doctor's office, again with no makeup - just a little moisturizer and lipstick, all sweaty from the walk in this heat). And many many from those whose Match scores are under 70%, which for me is a no-go. As a psychology student, I learned long ago how personality testing works, and the many catches used to eliminate lying. No, they are not perfect. But, they are the easiest and fastest way to weed out those who would not be a compatible friend, let alone dating match. I look for a match score of 80% or higher, with a Friendship score at least in the 70s. And if the Enemy score is anywhere near 20%, that's a no way for me as well. I also actually take the time to read not only the About, but also the Profile, as well as review the questions they have answered that make up our Match scores. I figure this is probably the best way to narrow down the field of people, and I have no problem initiating contact with someone (I did it with my ex, and it worked, so hey, why not? What do I have to lose?). Not to generalize, but it is unfortunately a generalization that seems to hold true, most of the men/boys on the site do not even read the profile. They look at the pics and decide then and there that they want to date that person. Every once in a great while, you do get someone who pays attention, but usually not. Example: I have listed in my About section that I have a child, but do not want more children. I also have stated in my Profile - a couple of times - that although I have a child, I do not want to have more children (if they have children, that's not an issue - it's the me not wanting to give birth, which I clearly state). And yet, many times, I end up with a person who does want children sending me a message that they'd like to get to know me. I'm not on OKCupid to make more friends; I'm there to find a match/relationship. So I will reply with Thank you, but no thank you - we have fundamental differences that would not allow this to work. I try to be as nice as possible, but I am also very blunt (because I have found that if I am not, they do not get the point). I have to often go into specifics of why we are fundamentally different (because they cannot read? or cannot interpret testing results? are stupid? and any of those reasons in and of themselves are a dead NO WAY JOSE). I actually had one guy tell me he was undecided about having kids and wouldn't mind being convinced either way. Um, what? That is so not a decision I am going to persuade you to make (can you imagine the guilt and blame that would end up on my conscience for "persuading" someone to not have kids so that we could be in a relationship together?? Oh, hell to the no.), but it took several messages, with a final, serious leave me alone message to get it through his head. Which leads me to desperation.

Desperation is rampant all throughout the site. You can read it between the lines in so many of the profiles, and occasionally, it is blurted out in plain English. And it is sad. So many of these guys really have no apparent deformities, quirks, or other such thing to keep them from dating women - they appear to be generally friendly, fun, and interesting. And I know that I am not the average woman with the average woman's likes/dislikes, wants and needs (whatever that actually means; it felt truly disingenuous to write that, but it is what it is). A LOT of the guys on the site are just flat out horny and looking to get laid, which fortunately pops out in their profiles, questions, or messages (or all of the above).

Last night, I received a message from OKCupid's administrators, which was interesting. They want me to be a moderator for those images/messages that other users flag as inappropriate/offensive/etc. They state in the message that if "you've never seen an R-rated movie, you may want to sit this one out." I lol'ed, literally. With all that I've been through and seen in my life, I don't know much that would surprise me. I agreed and went through my things to be moderated for the first time today. Nothing exciting, nothing weird, nothing really to get excited about. A picture of a guy's knees, no crotch showing, and a picture of a sunset. Why were these flagged??? I put them through as no need to be flagged and logged out. This should be interesting... in the very least, I hope. =)

I thought I would share anything that happens that's interesting, or funny, or what the f88k? that happens in this adventure. So there was this that happened last night (I have the OKC app downloaded on my phone, so I can check it during my work breaks, which is sometimes interesting):
  • How you doing today; anything fun going on today?
    I would very much like to have a conversation with you today. Let's chat!
    Report this
    Message from mastergeeknfun
  • An image of null
    Aug 26, 2013 – 5:34pm
    I'm afraid that won't happen - I'm at work. It also looks like we have fundamental differences, so I don't think we'd make a good match. I wish you luck on your search!Sent from the OkCupid app
  • An image of null
    Aug 26, 2013 – 6:01pm
    Ha ha ha what an idiotic reply. At first I was confused why I was. Reading such a brainless email in respnse to my request for a chat. Then, I saw your pictures and that explained your stupid message, ha ha ha
    Report this
  • Sorry, mastergeeknfun no longer has an account.

    I find it funny that he now no longer has an account, which doesn't allow me the pleasure of responding to his idiocy, but it is what it is. I mean, really? No wonder you haven't found anyone to date yet. 

    This is the last text from a guy Ethel met on eHarmony, and one who she had moved on to texting/phone calls with, with the plans to meet at some point soon (posted with 100% permission by Ethel, as we three sat there and did a wtf? then laugh at the message. His name is not changed to prevent many others from suffering the same fate): 

    "Hey there, sorry I haven't responded to your text! :/ So I met up with a girl last minute the other night, and didn't really think anything would come of it, but we really got along great, and things seem to be moving in a way that it hasn't with other girls online yet. I wouldn't want to keep communicating with you so that way we could still meet up if she doesn't work out, that would be rude and I wouldn't want you to think you were some plan B. Also, if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't expect you to want to continue to talk to me, so I won't presume anything. If you happen to still be single and want to know how things work out in a few days and aren't too turned off by this, I'd love to hear from you, and if I haven't found anyone, I would still love to talk because you seem very cool. But again, you're not a plan B, so if you just want to move on to another guy, I totally understand. I don't think you'll have a problem with that at all :) Nathan (Hope you appreciate my honesty at least)" 

    Ethel's response was "Great." I can hear it totally in her voice, and it makes me laugh. At least we can give Nathan kudos for good grammar, spelling, and (some) punctuation. Nice try, Nathan, nice try. Moving on... (shaking my head with exasperation)...

    Needless to say, I think this is going to be an interesting, if not exasperating, adventure. Who knows what'll happen? I think I'm still holding out for one of the cute cops or firefighters that comes into work regularly... but that may be a pipe dream. And there's always the possibility that I am meant to be single for the rest of my life, we shall see (this is something that actually does not scare or terrify me. I am happy with the person that I am and with where I am going with my life, and am more than comfortable to go and do things on my own - and now that I'll have the money to do so, looking forward to it! When I was in my 20s, however, this was a different story. I was seriously terrified that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, and that my Monkey would not have a father, and that I would have failed as a mother if I didn't find SOMEONE. So I found someone - exhusband - who ended up teaching me that in the end, if I am alone, that is more than OK, and that I am enough of a parent for my Monkey. That last statement will be re-visited in another post when I decide to discuss my Monkey, but leave it as it is for right now.). Fate shall be what fate shall be, be it what it may. 

    xoxo Desilu

So Much Can Happen In A Day...

So, for some inane reason (maybe work?), it has been taking me a week to write/finish a blog post. Usually what happens is that I get the meat done in one shot of verbal diarrhea, then it's a matter of the potatoes and vegetables being added to make it a square meal before I post it. With that in mind, most of this was written in one shot; the ending is what I finished up today in an effort to get it off of edit/draft and posted. Is it just me or can you completely tell in my writing style where the one shot of verbal diarrhea ends and the "let's get it finished" part begins???
Wow, it's been a whirlwind of a week!! Last Sunday, when I was finishing up the previous post (all I had to do was grammar check & add photos, which took me a week to do!!), I was also applying for unemployment to help with my eight (8!) hours a week schedule at Sad Corporation. Karmically, on page 4 of 8 (I think), my boss called and asked if I wanted to come in for an eight hour shift, which I jumped all over, of course. I found it karmically hilarious, but then I usually do. I worked the 8 from hell, came home exhausted and worked out with Mom that I would go with her to the Laundromat to help her out and that way I could earn some extra dough. (If you're paying attention, that's a total of 3, yes - 3, jobs. None of which are full-time, permanent, or stable to live off of separately). Needless to say, it was exhausting thinking about it.

Now, I need to do some background on this one before I continue...:

I have grown up (as a child, not as a grown-up) in four houses in my entire life, three of which are literally adjacent to each other. See crappy drawing below:
Ok, that pretty much sums it up. The "u" represents the Jeremie St. cul-de-sac. The lines are two separate brick walls; it's the very back one, next to the Jeremie house, where Mr. Pigg put in a locking wooden fence (so not everyone could use it), and we walked from there to our Grandparents, or to the neighborhood 7/11, which was five houses to the left of my Grandparents house. My sister and I would "go to the Store" (which is the continuous refrain in our house) for milk, my dad's cigarettes (it was the 80's people!! No judging!), bread, and my mother's never-ending need for Dr. Pepper Super Big Gulps. Essentially, I have been going to this store since I was 9years old, so for almost 30 years now. Seriously. The only time period I did not go to the 7/11 was when I lived in Fresno (I mean HELL) for 13 years. Needless to say, I knew the managers and the clerks as I saw them sometimes three times a day. When I moved back home in 2007, I started going back to the store (for the usual suspects, particularly the Dr. Pepper), and got to know the clerks and new manager. The clerks were actually the owner's kids, who worked their butts off at the store, along with their mother. The new manager is from Sri Lanka, and incessantly flirts with anything that has a vajayjay (who has a child, age 8, and "fiancee" here in the States, and a family and wife back in Sri Lanka), and who constantly tried to flirt with me. He did ask me out eventually, but I told him I'd love to go to lunch as FRIENDS ONLY, but not as anything else - ever (not my type, especially with the loads of already married/engaged thing). I always gave him grief to hire me, and eventually started talking to Donna (the owner's wife) and Ashlie (the daughter) about hiring me. It became a running joke between the three of us, although the Manager said he couldn't hire me because then he couldn't date me. THAT was a running joke also... They knew how bad things were getting at work, and couldn't understand how a company could expect their employees to perform when they were treating them the way they were treating me - and this is only regarding hours; I didn't disclose all of the other crapola I was dealing with at work. 

Ok, now ya'll are caught up with the background. So, returning to Monday night, sitting at the Laundromat, waiting til it's time to go in and start cleaning the store up for closing (we usually wait until the least amount of people is in there at around 9pm), when I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. But, fortunately, they leave a message (so many don't), and I got a text simultaneously. It was Ashlie from the store, who wanted to know if I was interested in coming in and working for her parents at the Store. Um, hell to the yes?!?!!!! We set up my coming in the very next morning (turns out that they were having to fire 2 employees for theft, 1 whose last day was a week from that Thursday, and Ashlie going to run her boyfriend's auto shop by September 1. Five major openings in a matter of weeks, so they desperately needed help). She mentioned that she and her mom over-ruled Tom (owner/dad) on hiring me, because he was worried that - because I was a girl - I wasn't going to be able to do the heavy lifting they needed doing (literally and figuratively). I owe Ashlie a great deal because she really went to bat for me, putting her ass on the line to get me hired. Donna hit up my brother for my phone number (I told ya'll, it's a family tradition), and the rest is history. I started on Tuesday, and today will be my seventh day straight. I didn't care how many hours they gave me, as long as it's over 20, and they will give me a weekend off if I need one (and I won't lose 1/2 of two paychecks in order to do so!), let me take time off to go to Oregon to see the Monkey, and are starting me at a higher wage than Sad did, with raises every six months to a year. The kicker: my commute is a three minute walk. Hell to the yes I'll work for ya'll!!! And I'll take as many hours as ya'll want to give me (hence the seventh day in a row). It just so happens that my glasses and favorite bandanna already matched the uniform!
I'm working the swing shift (3-10 or 11pm), and will definitely be working weekends, unless I need one off. I already have the days off for my BFF Sugar Skull's baby shower in September. My nails are shot, and I get to wear jeans or black pants (but no skirts, sad panda), and capris are ok too. I'm exhausted because I was/am still doing the tubes, and have been helping my mom at the Laundromat, plus it's the week before the Red Wave. But I am happy. Purple has been in several times to say hi and visit, and a lot of the Sad people have been in and out, or promised to come by.

Which leads me to... what to do about Sad Corporation. I started 7/11 on Tuesday morning, and my next scheduled day to work Sad was Wednesday night, a 3.5hr closing shift. As I worked at 7/11 on Wednesday, I realized that I would have to take all of my PTO, all 12 hours of it, that week or I would lose it (because they were not cashing out PTO - aka Paid Time Off - any longer when someone left). Which was fine with me, because I was 1. exhausted (see above explanation) and 2. not looking forward to going to Sad. Wednesday I ended up calling out with a family emergency, went home from 7/11 and slept from pretty much 4pm-4am Thursday morning (I told ya'll I was exhausted! I did get up to eat, but was only up for an hour or so). With the PTO, we were allowed to use it to supplement our paycheck, so I went down to Sad to put in the hours for Wednesday night and to write up the PTO supplement for the rest of the hours of my PTO to be used. Apparently, there had been a new policy placed where the supplement PTO now had to be approved by the Store Manager... who resignedly approved mine. I kept going back and forth in my head on how I was going to leave Sad... going over scenarios with Purple and Ethel... I wanted to just walk in and go off on the managers and walk out. Then I decided I was going to work my last day (Saturday) as scheduled, then quit after that shift was over. I knew that if I said anything prior to the shift about leaving, I would not be allowed to work it fully, and I wanted full control over how I was leaving, and when. That became the plan, then. But Friday night came, and I decided that I really didn't even want to work the last shift, and that I was going to go in on Saturday morning and quit. That Sad didn't deserve my last efforts and time, especially when I was working somewhere that wanted me to come in as much as I could. So the plan changed - again.

And Saturday finally rolled around. It got really hot really fast and I think it definitely contributed to my lack of desire to go down to Sad... even if it was to quit. And I did not feel obligated to anyone in particular about doing this properly, or even in person. I did not feel that there was a mutual respect there that would otherwise compel me to quit in person... so I didn't. I called the call-out phone number, which leads to the answering machine, and quit in a voicemail. No reason why, no explanation, nothing more than "effective immediately, I am resigning my position at Sad Corporation. I will be more than happy to come in a pick up my pay check when it is available, please call me when you have it in." Done and done, and I went back to bed. Guiltlessly. I also texted my immediate boss, who had been nice to me, to give him the heads up, as well as posted a little note on my Facebook status. I have gotten nothing but happy thoughts, well wishes and thumbs up from everyone on this happy occasion.

I got ready for work and missed a call from Sad Corporation. The voicemail was from the HR department, who wanted me to call her back at my earliest convenience. I had nothing else to lose, so I did. I ended up being on the phone with her for a good 30 minutes, and since I was no longer on eggshells or anxious, I didn't feel the need to keep anything back. And therefore, I didn't. I told her about the threats of termination if I said anything "negative" (whether or not I actually said it), of the abuse of my abilities while still being kept at the bottom of the totem pole, and the reason I did not feel the need to respect management by giving a proper notice (which I have never done in my life): I had applied for a full-time position in August 2012. I had never been given an interview, never been told that they had no intention of filling it, and was in fact led to believe that my additional work for the store - outside of my job description - would help with putting me in a full-time position. In July of 2013 - a full year later - the position suddenly disappeared. No word, no explanation, no heads up, no nothing. I told her that I felt extremely disrespected, talently abused, and otherwise defeated. It was this, along with the shortening of hours, that made the decision to leave solidify. I received the stunned silence of an HR manager who had no damn clue as to what was going on in her store. Apologies. And shock. And I felt relief. After a half hour of spilling the worst of my old job, getting it out of my system, I was relieved. I didn't realize that I had been holding it in - I thought that my venting both here and with Purple/Ethel was enough to keep my stress at bay. Apparently not. I also left her with the sad note that I was not the only person who was unhappy, threatened, abused, and planning on leaving. Without naming names, I made it clear to her that - unless things changed within the store hierarchy - there was going to be a mass exodus, especially of those that had been at the store longest. (Without bragging, because to me, the end of Sad as a retail giant is truly sad for me; I mean, this is a store I grew up going to A LOT with my family and it was historically significant in retail establishment as a significant piece of American life - anyhow, there has been a mass exodus in the two weeks since I have left. I think there has been about 5-10 more people who have left, and many more who are planning on it. And they have cut down their cashwraps to only having 2 - one on each floor - open in the store. Not a good sign.)

And that is the end of a chapter for me.

xoxo, Desilu