Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Ok, Cupid, Maybe Not....

I wrote the "Ok, Cupid..." post yesterday. I was on a hot streak of writing yesterday, as it was my day off and I hadn't written in so long. And I slept a lot too, because I did not realize that I am no longer some 20-something with enviable energy, but a 36yr old who does need to rest on occasion. Anyhow, even though I did a lot of sleeping yesterday, that usually doesn't preclude me from being able to sleep at night, mainly because my Lipitor and Benedryl knock me out (the Benedryl is for my allergies, which have gone haywire lately due to this weather that we've been having, and the Lipitor is to prevent genetics from kicking in - for some unknown reason, it makes me very sleepy, which is unusual, according to my NP. But, as usual, I digress). I usually will fall asleep playing Scramble or Words With Friends or (if I'm all caught up/out of coins on those) Solitaire on my Kindle, wake up startled that I fell asleep, turn my Kindle off, roll over and go back to sleep. That is my usual routine. It is also my usual routine to get up several times a night, usually for no reason. Occasionally, I will make it in to the house, where I will consume anything sweet I can get my hands on (while still almost completely asleep), go to the bathroom, or just sit and stare into space in the living room (I've been caught doing all of the above by family... it's a problem). Needless to say, my sleep is restless, and oft more than not, unfulfilling (hence the sleeping during the day - I actually feel as though I get more rest when I sleep during the day than I do at night). Last night was the culmination of all of that PLUS anxiety that I thought I had under control, but have since been corrected (thank you, brain, body & nerves!!).

Which leads me to "Ok, Cupid, Maybe Not... ." I do think; nay, I KNOW, that a lot of the anxiety I had last night, which kept me wide awake until 3am this morning, was in revisiting the past of the ex, as well as the anxiety of the OKC venturing again. I thought I was ok with being over the ex, and that my plan for the happenstance of running into him was a solid one. I had already dropped by his profile on OKC when I first logged back on (but have not been there since; just the one time to see if he had changed anything on his profile) - I mean, don't we all? I think we all harbor some secret hope that our exes are doing poorly without us, and by dropping by their OKC profile, FB page, whatever, we are looking for that justification that yes, they are doing poorly without us. I have not gone to his FB page at all; in fact, visiting his OKC profile was the first time in the past 8 months that I had "seen" anything to do with him. And I thought I was ok. Last night, I found out I was not ok. Apparently, really not ok.

Ugh... I don't know if it was the expression of what I had been thinking in the prior post, or the anxiety of starting all over again, or a combination of both, or my hypercritical/anal retentive/unforgetting self just acting up, but whatever it was, it sucked. BIG TIME, especially since I do have to go to work today. So very tired, and yet, so not. I am a walking contradiction, which is highly annoying. I think adding to the anxiety was the lack of matches that appealed to me and the lack of effort by those who had decided to message me as well. I don't know, but I don't know if I will be keeping my profile open for much longer. I still have not completely re-written my profile yet, and I am still playing with that in my head. But I don't know if I want to do this THIS way. I was thinking about organic dating (that's apparently what it's called now when you just meet someone the old fashioned way), and how that seems less pressure-filled for me. I am planning on going out and about more, exploring LA and all she has to offer now that I have the money (or will have the money) to do so, and maybe *just maybe* I'll meet someone that way. I wouldn't mind continuing to moderating on OKC (which is a lot more boring than it sounds... are you seriously flagging a picture of the user and his kids? or of the beach? or a drink? SERIOUSLY???? Now, the flag on the fully nude chick I get, and deleted, but the others? Some people need a hobby...), but I don't know if that's possible with a deactivated profile. I think I will email the admins on OKC and see if that's a possibility (I do need another hobby like I need a hole in the head, but whatevs), and if it is, great. If not, well... when I am actually ready to go back online - if ever - I can do it then.

Speaking of OKC, it appears that MasterGeeknFun is back on OKC, actively. And I restrained myself, and simply deleted the conversation rather than stooping to his orge level and responding.

So organic dating. If I meet someone, great. If not, so be it. This is so much less stressful than trying to rack my brain and force myself to like any of the men on OKC that truly do not appeal to me, plus it keeps me from judging a book by it's cover (or based solely on their scores). This is better. This is the new plan. Steve the Drummer is still not ok, Purple. No ideas!!

xoxo Desilu

Ok, because I promised the interesting things soon, here they are:
Finetuning Anxiety: This sounds very promising, especially to those of us who deal with anxiety A LOT.
Finetuning Schizophrenia: Also very promising, especially for the development of medications that will help to moderate and calm schizophrenic symptomology.
This woman is a hero.
Amazing works of art. I'm not saying that this should be the wave of the future in preserving the past, but it provides an interesting perspective. I am still a solid black & white gal; I think there are so many more nuances to be found in a B&W photo than you can by looking at the same one in color.
I found this awesomely interesting. And I so wish I had the money to go and buy some of these...
THIS. IS. AWESOME. It truly shows there is meaning in the everyday, ordinary object.

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