It has been eight months since my last relationship ended. It was a devastating break-up for me; I had fallen in love again after so many years of not being in love (which would include the time I was married; it took me a while to finally admit to myself that I had not fallen in love with my ex-husband, but had gotten married out of societal and family pressure to stabilize mine and my Monkey's lives. It was a HUGE mistake and a HUGE lesson learned; there were things that happened that cannot - and will not - be undone, but at the same time, I would not go back and undo anything. Life lived cannot be lived with regrets but instead with lessons learned - a lot of the time (for me anyway), the hard way.), and did not see it coming. He said "I love you" first, and I had taken him at his word. In the end, he said he never truly fell "all the way in love with me," whatever that means, and that I am not a happy enough person for him; that there is a constant sadness in my eyes, despite what my words and actions say. Considering I was truly in love with him and that I was happy - for the first time in years - I felt deceived and lied to. And thus needed the long time to lick my wounds.
Anyhow, last week when the Three Amigas decided to get together (that would be me, Purple, and Ethel), the topic of dating came up. Purple is happily married on her second marriage. Ethel has the dating mishaps that I have, but has been on eHarmony looking for her next relationship... with all the ups and downs that online dating has. I had met my ex on OKCupid, where our Match and Friendship percentages were in the high 80s (which actually was true; we had an insane amount in common and had very similar beliefs and values, which was a good thing). So this past weekend, I decided to venture back on to OKCupid. I thought about what I would do if I happened to run into my ex while on a date; I decided that I would actually slide the waitress/bartender a $20 to buy him and his a round of drinks, while taking my date out the door to somewhere else. And it didn't seem to bring me too much anxiety thinking about it, so I thought it may be time to Start Looking Again. The Amigas agreed, and Purple threatened to set me up with Steve the Drummer (who is a drummer in her husband's band): Steve's game includes the request for anal sex within 30 seconds of meeting a girl he's interested in. And he also likes the girls young... barely of age young. So, no, Steve the Drummer is SO NOT AN OPTION. And back to OKCupid I went. I had de-activated my account when I started dating the ex, so all I had to do was re-activate it, which took no time at all. I actually remembered my password, which was a bonus. I reviewed my profile and my pictures. I removed all but one picture that I had up (one where I am literally wrapped in a towel after a shower, so no hair/make-up - but trust me, EVERYTHING is covered, plus I was making a fishy face, not doing duck face or kissy face or sexy face... I just wanted to put out there what I looked like without the hair and makeup), and noted "Under Rehabilitation" at the beginning of my profile. I started to rewrite it, but haven't finished it (it's kinda like writing a blog post apparently; start, take a week to finish). I am having a hard time writing it... but I think I am almost at the point where I have comfortably rewritten it in my head.
So far... I've gotten nothing - substantial, that is. I had one guy who actually spent the time to craft a witty and great message. Apparently, my verbal diarrhea response was a little much, as was the reminder that I was a smoker and a quiet person. He is allergic to cigarette smoke. Ok, I wish you well and good luck. Mostly, I've gotten "Hey there!" (um, really, that's ALL you can say??), "Hi!" (um, no), and amazingly, "Are those NATURAL?" (there is not one picture where I am indecently dressed, nor does it look like I have a large chest; two of the pictures I posted were from dinners with a dear friend, where I am in vintage/repro dresses; the last picture - besides the shower one - was after I had walked to the doctor's office, again with no makeup - just a little moisturizer and lipstick, all sweaty from the walk in this heat). And many many from those whose Match scores are under 70%, which for me is a no-go. As a psychology student, I learned long ago how personality testing works, and the many catches used to eliminate lying. No, they are not perfect. But, they are the easiest and fastest way to weed out those who would not be a compatible friend, let alone dating match. I look for a match score of 80% or higher, with a Friendship score at least in the 70s. And if the Enemy score is anywhere near 20%, that's a no way for me as well. I also actually take the time to read not only the About, but also the Profile, as well as review the questions they have answered that make up our Match scores. I figure this is probably the best way to narrow down the field of people, and I have no problem initiating contact with someone (I did it with my ex, and it worked, so hey, why not? What do I have to lose?). Not to generalize, but it is unfortunately a generalization that seems to hold true, most of the men/boys on the site do not even read the profile. They look at the pics and decide then and there that they want to date that person. Every once in a great while, you do get someone who pays attention, but usually not. Example: I have listed in my About section that I have a child, but do not want more children. I also have stated in my Profile - a couple of times - that although I have a child, I do not want to have more children (if they have children, that's not an issue - it's the me not wanting to give birth, which I clearly state). And yet, many times, I end up with a person who does want children sending me a message that they'd like to get to know me. I'm not on OKCupid to make more friends; I'm there to find a match/relationship. So I will reply with Thank you, but no thank you - we have fundamental differences that would not allow this to work. I try to be as nice as possible, but I am also very blunt (because I have found that if I am not, they do not get the point). I have to often go into specifics of why we are fundamentally different (because they cannot read? or cannot interpret testing results? are stupid? and any of those reasons in and of themselves are a dead NO WAY JOSE). I actually had one guy tell me he was undecided about having kids and wouldn't mind being convinced either way. Um, what? That is so not a decision I am going to persuade you to make (can you imagine the guilt and blame that would end up on my conscience for "persuading" someone to not have kids so that we could be in a relationship together?? Oh, hell to the no.), but it took several messages, with a final, serious leave me alone message to get it through his head. Which leads me to desperation.
Desperation is rampant all throughout the site. You can read it between the lines in so many of the profiles, and occasionally, it is blurted out in plain English. And it is sad. So many of these guys really have no apparent deformities, quirks, or other such thing to keep them from dating women - they appear to be generally friendly, fun, and interesting. And I know that I am not the average woman with the average woman's likes/dislikes, wants and needs (whatever that actually means; it felt truly disingenuous to write that, but it is what it is). A LOT of the guys on the site are just flat out horny and looking to get laid, which fortunately pops out in their profiles, questions, or messages (or all of the above).
Last night, I received a message from OKCupid's administrators, which was interesting. They want me to be a moderator for those images/messages that other users flag as inappropriate/offensive/etc. They state in the message that if "you've never seen an R-rated movie, you may want to sit this one out." I lol'ed, literally. With all that I've been through and seen in my life, I don't know much that would surprise me. I agreed and went through my things to be moderated for the first time today. Nothing exciting, nothing weird, nothing really to get excited about. A picture of a guy's knees, no crotch showing, and a picture of a sunset. Why were these flagged??? I put them through as no need to be flagged and logged out. This should be interesting... in the very least, I hope. =)
I thought I would share anything that happens that's interesting, or funny, or what the f88k? that happens in this adventure. So there was this that happened last night (I have the OKC app downloaded on my phone, so I can check it during my work breaks, which is sometimes interesting):